Bullshit. This whole list of activities is bullshit. “44. Have a vivid fantasy love affair with a celebrity.” How the hell is that supposed to help anything? Scribbling on paper will not give me the same release. Not a single item on that list works. I feel bad for the author.
Nothing on this list is a good substitute for non-suicidal self injury (NSSI). Nothing will make me feel the way dragging a razor or shard of glass across my thigh does. Nothing should. I shouldn’t want to do hurt myself. In fact, I don’t want to. But I have this urge. I know if I do, I will spend the next four weeks staring at the wound with shame and regret. I know it isn’t beneficial or healthy. I am not going to do it tonight, but I still have this damn urge.
When is it going to go away? When am I going to stop having the urge to hurt myself? I have been struggling with NSSI for 7 years now. I have cut myself a couple hundred times. Each time I regret it the next day. Each time I remember everyone I am hurting by hurting myself. Each time I know it won’t make me feel better in the long run. So why can’t I stop?
I can go months without feeling the compulsion to self injure, but right now I am struggling with each minute. It is all-consuming. I don’t know how to control it. I guess writing about it helps, but it is still the only thing I can think about. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to cut. And for this, I hate myself. It is so weak. Every time I give in, it reinforces my weakness. I wish NSSI wasn’t even an idea that popped into my head at times like this. I wish I had never even started in the first place. It feels like the most pathetic addiction imaginable. I would rather be addicted to coke. At least then people would understand why I have these urges.
I desperately want to be happy. It is hard to remember times where I was happy, especially when I am this sad. I feel like depression is a life sentence. I am going to be stuck with it forever. I know my psychiatrist says she can look back in my charts at times where I had few depression symptoms, but that doesn’t mean anything to me. A lack of depression symptoms does not indicate happiness. Just because a business is not in debt, that does not mean that business is booming. I cannot even go two months without having a depressive episode. What does that say about me. In no way am I suicidal, but life doesn’t seem as worth living if you can’t be happy.
I want to be happy so bad. There are days that I am happy or not sad, but most days, my depression is crippling. I can’t work or talk to people. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. Things seem hopeless. My self-esteem is in the toilet, and I cant concentrate well or find the energy do the things I need to do. As if having ADHD didn’t make concentrating hard enough, when I am in my “dark and twisty place,” as Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy calls it, I cannot focus on anything for more than five minutes. All I want to do is lay in bed or drink.
Psychotropic meds have failed me. I have been on a cocktail of antidepressants since I was a preteen, and yet here I am: a young adult almost paralyzed by depression. I cannot blame my depression for my failures, but I know they play a large factor. I could be extraordinary if I didn’t have Dysthymic Disorder, ADHD, or Bulimia. Unfortunately I can’t change anything, at least I don’t feel like I can.
Psychotropic meds have failed me. I have been on a cocktail of antidepressants since I was a preteen, and yet here I am. A young adult almost paralyzed by depression.
Writing this tonight has helped. The situation I am in right now up is still sticky, but for now I am okay. I have talked myself off an edge.